Scary Shit: Conquering Fears with Lessons Learned Through Triathlon

How racing and coaching triathlon became a catalyst to train my mind and learn valuable lessons.

By: Miranda Bush

I am admittedly the biggest wimp when it comes to the tricky side of Halloween. Scary movies give me nightmares and even the thought of haunted houses make me heavily sweat. I once pointed my finger at a ‘haunter’ in a preschool haunted house and told him to “Stop! You are scaring my children!” But the fact was that my four and five year old boys were just fine- I was the one who was sweating and shaking (and maybe even peed my pants a bit). 

I decided that intentionally seeking out the feelings associated with these frightening things was just stupid. I declined social invites to anything I deemed scary. As I shied away from these opportunities, I didn’t realize I was also falling into a habit of avoiding almost everything that truly frightened me. I was able to unintentionally fake overcoming fear to myself by doing things other people felt were scary- like completing Ironman. Was swimming 2.4 miles in a big lake scary to me? No. Biking 112 miles after months of training? No. Running a marathon? No. Doing it all in one, hard day of extra-long exercise? Nope. 

I realized how I had often defined certain people, circumstances, relationships, events, and goals as frightening. 

I was afraid of being judged. Misunderstood. Unlikeable. Irrelevant. Unloved. Not living authentically or belonging. 

My fears subconsciously controlled me. They guided my thoughts, perceptions, and decisions. I leaned toward people pleasing, missed out on opportunities to be fully vulnerable, sought out outside validation, and tended toward narcissism and selfishness. I felt controlled by managing my persona and suffered with resentment and bitterness. By defining and resisting facing fear head on I developed my biggest fear of all. I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to give the world the real me and therefore my family, friends, and humanity would not know how much I loved. 

And that’s some scary shit. 

I desired growth and sought out to learn how to conquer some of these fears. I began to learn that things, people, or events are not overall categorized as scary. Our perception creates those ideas and our resistance keeps them there. I knew that my biggest fears needed to be faced. Head on. I had to dig them out of the depths of myself. The thoughts that created the real fears were buried way deeper than haunted houses, horror movies, or completing hard physical endeavors. 

I believe that fear is (mostly) a liar. There are certainly fears that exist in order for us to stay alive and protect our young. But, when our mind whispers a dream or a goal, the loud voice of fear can swiftly take over. It often comes with a healthy dose of dishonesty and justification, first within ourselves, and then outwardly to others. 

“I don’t want to try that. I am not interested.”

“That’s not me. I don’t need or want that. I can’t do that.”

“I don’t have the time.” 

When you are paralyzed with fear you are unable to live your most authentic life. You learn to tamper your thoughts and then your dreams. You shape yourself into a person you don’t want to be, and often don’t even know. You define things as scary and possibly miss opportunities to try something new. You miss the chance to learn, grow, and be present for others. When you are living as an imposter in your own life you most likely will be misunderstood. And, those who love you might be missing the chance to love the real you.

Scary. Shit.

As athletes, we do things that can appear to be really scary all of the time. Swimming with sharks, scaling sheer mountainsides, bombing down hills at 50+ mph, running 100 miles in Death Valley. These things are crazy, fucking scary. As I like to think, they require a special breed of human. 

But what if these are thought of as options for everyone? Still scary, but not impossible to try. They might fall into the really fucking scary and crazy category for you, but they are truly just hobbies or ideas of something to do. I believe this and so I had to start to live as my most authentic self.

What did I do? I faced my scary shit. Head on. And it was hard. 

With a lot of learning and practice I stopped focusing on people pleasing. In turn, I realized people want me to be real, offering my thoughts with truth and love. I practiced more vulnerability with my family and friends. I learned that people love the real me. I stopped judging myself and others and I learned to live a more peaceful and content life. I practiced listening and learning rather than becoming defensive. I became kinder, softer and less bitter.  

I did this through reading, listening to podcasts, writing daily intentions and developing a curriculum to teach other athletes these same lessons to help them authentically goal set with concrete and iron-clad ‘why’s.’ I used racing and coaching triathlon as a catalyst to train my mind and learn valuable lessons through the process. 

I have gained more compassion for people and I am a stronger coach and mentor. I continue to dig deep into my soul to produce goals that matter to me and if I try them out and they aren’t a good fit I am not too afraid to pivot. I own my perceptions and my right to decide that if I am completely avoiding it because I had filed it as ‘too scary’ then it is time to try it. 

My life feels less scary, even in times when the circumstances are completely out of my control. I am able to practice being grounded and realistic and have mental practices that help me allow my brain face fear by letting my mind conjure up the worst-case scenario. After I consider it, I decide to take a more intentional approach with my fear. I have made and gone after stretch goals in racing and it has helped me to feel fully alive. I have been bold and challenging in conversations. I have stopped dwelling in my own head in order to stand up for others. 

I decide if I will be afraid. Fear does not control me. 

Four years ago, I felt strong enough to leverage my fear. I was trying to coax one of my bffs into signing up for Ironman Wisconsin. This same friend had been disappointed that I had skipped out of a fun and memorable haunted house outing the previous year. So, I told her I would go to the haunted house in October, 2016 if she agreed to Ironman in September of 2017. She agreed. I lived through 20 minutes of heart pounding, sweaty, mild pants peeing, exhilarating fear. The following September I got to coach, race with, and witness my friend make it through a whole day of heart pounding, sweating, fulfilling, painful excitement (and possibly some pants peeing). I faced my fear head on, and she conquered hers. She became an Ironman. 

Without all of this practice I wouldn’t have been ready to recognize that I was born privileged enough to have my scary shit be created by my own mind. I have freed myself up to take opportunities to learn, support, and listen to and coach others. I have more space to seek understanding of marginalized groups who have more, real hurdles to jump over that are not products of their own minds. I have learned the difference. I will continue to learn. 

Recently I decided to try a sport I had filed away many years ago as uncomfortably fucking scary: mountain biking. My boys and husband love mountain biking; I have learned that I couldn’t be sure I didn’t enjoy it as well. I realized that I was afraid that it wouldn’t align with my natural abilities on a bike. I was uncomfortable with the thought of being judged for my pace or nervousness. I was avoiding it more out of how it was overall perceived, rather than my complete disinterest in doing it. I took an opportunity and tried it. It is still scary, so I started slowly and carefully. We didn’t go for very long, but I vowed to go again. 

I might still not like it, but first I have to face it head on. 

I am still learning and practicing. Every. Single. Day. And I know that I can never stop… fear is a sneaky little liar. 

Unless you are standing face to face with a bear. Then be afraid. :) 

*****

Miranda Bush is a USAT Level I and Training Peaks Level 2 certified coach as well as an ACE certified Health Coach. She is the owner and head coach of MB Coaching and the Zone Racing Team. Her passion lies in using lessons from training and racing to improve all of life and ultimately make you a more content, well rounded athlete and person. She resides in Wisconsin with her three teenagers and husband who all love to race triathlon. Check out her blog at www.mbcoaching-zoneracing.com. Follow Coach Miranda on Facebook and @zonecoachm on Instagram.